Famous Steven Wright Quotes

  • I’m writing a book. I’m almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in. – Steven Wright

    I’m writing a book. I’m almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.– Steven Wright

  • Sorry… my mind was wandering… one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for. – Steven Wright

    Sorry… my mind was wandering… one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.– Steven Wright

  • I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was ‘woman. – Steven Wright

    I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was ‘woman.– Steven Wright

  • Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying. – Steven Wright

    Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.– Steven Wright

  • Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. – Steven Wright

    Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.– Steven Wright

  • I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn’t have to go so fast. – Steven Wright

    I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn’t have to go so fast.– Steven Wright

  • If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? – Steven Wright

    If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?– Steven Wright

  • Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on theroad an hour. – Steven Wright

    Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on theroad an hour.– Steven Wright

  • I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it. – Steven Wright

    I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.– Steven Wright

  • I installed a skylight in my apartment…The people who live above me arefurious! – Steven Wright

    I installed a skylight in my apartment…The people who live above me arefurious!– Steven Wright